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The borderline Queen - "It's all about me!"

Angry_woman Borderline Personality Disorder can manifest itself in multiple ways. In her book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, Dr. Christine Lawson describes four role types which BPD is exemplified by: the Waif, the Hermit, the Queen, and the Witch. These role types are not mutually exclusive and characteristics of these types over overlap and inter mix.

Dr. Lawson writes that Borderline Queens are driven by feelings of emptiness, and that they seek special treatment because they felt emotionally deprived as children. The Queen has learned how to win special treatment through persistence and intimidation.

Dr. Lawson writes:

She can be intrusive, loud, inpatient, and flamboyant. She is easily frustrated, often bursting into rages than can terrify her children. She can be disingenuous and may lie in order to get what she wants." p.104

Dr. Lawson points out that giving in to the Queen is easier than resisting, and Dr. Lawson further points out that those who dare to confront the Queen may be treated as infidels and, as such, may be banished for their disloyalty. In this way, the Borderline may create new borderlines in their children by terrorizing them with rejection and abandonment to punish them for not following her will. Husbands of Queens learn that any peace and equanimity that can be obtained in the relationship with her will require that they acquiesce to her demands or arguments will ensue that will escalate until the Queen gets her way. For similar reasons, the Queen will be right about everything and never take responsibility for her own mistakes or problems. She will never apologize or say she is sorry or seek forgiveness. The Queen is sovereign and expects all to serve her faithfully and compliantly or as the Queen in Alice In Wonderland would hysterically shout, "Off With Their Heads!"

Dr. Lawson writes:

"The darkness within the borderline Queen is emptiness. Emptiness and loneliness are distinctly different emotional experiences. Whereas loneliness results from loss and evokes sadness, emptiness results from deprivation an triggers anger. However, not all Queens experienced loss in early childhood. The common denominator among borderline Queens is emotional deprivation. As children they felt robbed; consequently, they feel entitled to take what they need." p. 105

In my clinical experience, it is this sense of deprivation which gives the Queen her sense of entitlement. This sense of entitlement allows her to justify her exploitation, lying, steeling, and deprivation of others. This entitlement may lead to behaviors such as shoplifting, embezzlement, fraud, and stinginess.

The Queen can be very charming and seductive pursuing attention to fill the void of the underlying deprivation. The Queen can be quite competitive and envious of others and devalues others who are a threat to her or who do not provide gratification or special treatment. This sense of deprivation often impairs moral judgment and the Queen can be vindictive without feeling guilt or remorse. The Queen will rarely give credit to others unless there is something in it for her. People quite attracted to the Queen initially, because she usually has quite a charismatic personality, will sooner or later get burned by the Queen when they realize that for the Queen everything must be about her and if possible they will avoid her.

Dr. Lawson writes:

"The Queen relates to others with superficiality and an air of detachment. She may perceive others, including her children, as a threat to her own survival unless they relinquish their needs for hers. Queen mothers compete with their children for time, attention, love, and money. Superficial interest and a lack of attunement to the child's emotional needs are typical of Queen mothers." p.108

A little further on the same page, Dr. Lawson writes:

"In order to win admiration and love, her children must reflect her interests, values, tastes, and preferences. The Queen expects her children to dress the part, to reflect her importance." p.108

The borderline Queen motto is: "It's All About Me!"

Dr. Lawson points out that although Queen mothers emotionally sacrifice their children, their children may go to their graves protecting her.

This is post # 15 in a series based on Dr. Christine Lawson's book, Understanding The Borderline Mother.

Comments

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i think my wife have a boarderline disorder, and my mother in law too, hahahahaha!!!

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Yeah, for similar reasons, the Queen will be right about everything and never take responsibility for her own mistakes or problems.

Kevin

Anonymous

I sometimes wonder how common this disorder is. I beleive my wife is a queen. The biggest step is not blaming yourself for your issues. Understanding what you are responsible for. I am so thankful for doctors who have taken the time to understand and write about this disorder. I just wish it would get more exposure because I think it affects more people than we could ever imagine.

Kirby B.

Athough it hasn't been formally addressed, I am pretty sure my mom has this disorder. I thought she was completely crazy so I never mentioned it to anyone. I am so relieved I am not alone. The constant ups and downs of this disorder are so emotionally draining. I'm 14 and I'm constantly upset and confused. I can't imagine how my 8-year-old brother feels. At least now I have someplace to talk about it.

tracy

Hmm, sounds an awful lot like Sarah Palin.

Public health

Itz shocking to know the pros and cons of this disorder...people must become aware about it otherwise majority of them can get affected.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds8xyK-r65M
Thanks for sharing these with the world. This is a must see and must watch piece of work

Medical software review

think one of the greatest hurdles is overcoming misconceptions in the minds of regulators, doctors and patients alike. I just returned from a trip to Germany and colleagues there are amused about America's 3rd World-like medical records situation.

anonymous

Thank you for shining the light on this issue - my wife is definitely a Queen and her mother has been diagnosed as such also. I wish it wasn't called borderline, because the verbal attacks are anything but borderline - they are full fledged emotional abuse cases. My choices are to either follow the Queen's dictatorial orders and keep my mouth shut, or attempt to engage in rational dialog and then suffer the wrath of the Queen. Both produce crappy results, chipping away at my self esteem every day. The worst part is that I actually wish we could fix it and achieve some level of normal emotional intimacy, but I've come to the point that I don't believe that is a possibility with this person.

Jillian

I feel so so sad because I know this is me and I feel regret and remorse but I feel helpless to control it in the moment.. I want to stop being so crazy and abusive but I don't know how.

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