Quote of the day
Kevin Benderman Defense Committee

Jeff and Jim get married

            It’s been quite a week. Jeff Johnson, Mayor Johnson’s son, has announced he is getting married in Massachusetts to his long time committed partner, Jim Monroe. The attitude in Anytown has been “Don’t talk, don’t tell” or whatever the heck the policy is in the military. In other words, everybody knows that Jeff is gay, but nobody is supposed to acknowledge this, at least publicly, or talk about it. As long as it stays “hush, hush” if you know what I mean, I guess nobody is embarrassed especially the mayor but also the good right wing Christians who support him and benefit from his, and his administration’s favorable treatment of their pet projects and preferences.

      So, when Jeff’s wedding announcement appeared in the Anytown News Gazette it caused a bit of a stir even though nobody was supposed to talk about it. The biggest question on everybody’s mind was would the mayor and his wife travel to Massachusetts to attend the wedding, and should people give gifts or what? Half the town was worried that they might get an invitation and would have to decide on whether to attend or decline, and the other half were wishing they would get an invitation so they could go and gawk and gossip monger but knew darn well that they were out of the loopdy loop.

            Elmer Sandbagger, who is a town councilman, was heard discussing the situation with his colleagues, the other councilmen down at Colleen’s Café. He supposedly said, “Damn fruits, light in the loafers sissies, I don’t see why they have to flaunt it. What goes on behind closed doors we have already agreed to ignore, but when they get in your face, and want public acknowledgment, they’ve gone too far.”

            Jennifer Goldigger is reported to be very excited about the wedding and is planning on going. Jennifer is “tight” with both Jeff and Jim and they shop together regularly and exchange decorating and wardrobe tips. Jennifer would like TV coverage of the event and thinks that Anytown would benefit from it. She was heard to gush when she was getting her hair done at Klassy Cat Hair Styles, “It’s like our very own Queer Eye For The Straight Guy right here in Anytown. Who would have thought it possible?”

            Roy Christian is not a happy camper and he and the folks at his church are tied up in conniption fits. Nobody at the Truth of God Bible Church of Jesus Christ is sleeping well these days. The pastor preached a barn burning sermon this past Sunday on hell fire and brimstone about sodomy and degeneracy. The children and teens were excused from the sermon and sent to the church basement to do some games that had been a hit at the bible vacation school this last summer. A couple of the teens wanted to stay. They seemed interested, but the deacons ruled against them and banished them to the basement. I guess the pastor went on about oral and anal sex and the men seemed to be more sedate than usual and sat in rapt attention while the women squirmed and were restless in their seats. Bottom line according to Pastor Baxter is that, as he put it, “all those who practice perversion will burn eternally in the fiery pit of hell." Martha Burns was overheard whispering in her husband’s ear, “Did Jesus say that in the New Testament?”

            Mayor Johnson, himself, loves his son and even likes Jim and has pretty much decided, even though it is a delicate situation, to follow Vice President, Dick Cheney’s example, and declare this issue a family, not a public matter, and that he will do what is best for his family.

            The folks in Anytown were somewhat relieved that the whole situation was being removed from public consideration and would be considered a private affair. Only problem, of course, is that marriage, ipso facto, is a public affair. But hey, with George W. Bush in the White House, everyone is getting used to the “newspeak” of the day where words only mean what those in power want them to mean, so a public affair has been redefined now as private, until of course, somebody in power wants to redefine it as being public again in which case it will then become public and ripe for discussion.

            Some of the women in Anytown wondered why, if homosexual marriage was now a private affair, abortion was becoming an increasingly public affair when a woman’s body should be one of the most private things of all?

            At any rate, the Johnson’s are off to Massachusetts for a wedding. Elmer, even though invited, is staying home to spray his lawn for dandelions. Jennifer is out shopping for the perfect dress to wear to the wedding and helping Jeff and Jim plan their wedding reception compete with a press release hoping that some TV stations will cover the affair. Roy Christian and Pastor Baxter are trembling with righteous indignation at the scoffing at what they consider to be God’s laws. We at Markham’s Behavioral Health wish Jeff and Jim all the best, and believe that the world is big enough to encompass all kinds of people, and that if we had more tolerance and respect for each other, we could live together in peace.

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