It’s been quite a week. President George W. Bush said that the United States does not condone torture when other nations torture U. S. citizens, soldiers, and its allies, but does reserve the right to torture terrorists who might have information useful to the interests of the United States.
“You see”, the President said, “God told me that he wants me to allow some agents of the U.S. to torture other people because God doesn’t like them. He only likes Americans and other people who love freedom.”
When polled, many Americans agreed with the President especially evangelical Christians lead by Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Billy Graham, and Dr. James Dobson.
“Jesus, Himself, was tortured”, said Pat Robertson, “and He saved the human race so how bad can it be? If a little torture helps save Americans, then I think Jesus would approve. Golly, gee, it was good enough for Him, so I guess it should be good enough for terrorists who could help us by giving us information to help us dominate the rest of the world to our will. And the U.S’s will is God’s will because God blesses America.”
Roy Christian said, “Over a million Americans watch Pat Robertson’s PTL club TV show so he has plenty of support, and the majority of Americans voted for President Bush so he must be right.”
It’s hard to argue with Roy. He is very sincere and he truly loves the Lord since he found Jesus as his Lord and savior after a few wild years of whoring, drinking, and snorting a little coke.
“I understand our President”, Roy said. “We have a lot in common.”
Elmer Sandbagger listens to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity everyday, he says, because he likes to stay well informed. Elmer admits that a lot of the policy issues are over his head and he says that he likes it when Rush reassures him that he doesn’t really have to keep up with all the information and developments because Rush will do his thinking for him, and all he has to do is just listen to him. Elmer has even adopted a soldier for $49.95 to get Rush’s newsletter. As far as torture goes, Elmer says, “No pain, no gain. That’s how I see it.”
Jennifer Golddigger said that one of her boyfriends is a “contract interrogator” and actually did some work at Abu Ghraib. Jennifer says that he is retired special forces but now makes good money doing this contract work. She says Jerry is making over $150,000.00 per year providing “security” in some of the Iraqi prisons and interviews the prisoners. She said that Jerry told her it was his idea to have Lyndie English pose with that Iraqi prisoner on the dog leash. Jennifer said that Jerry told her that those pictures could be worth big bucks to the right person. Jennifer quickly said, “I don’t think he meant for blackmail. I think he was going to sell them to the National Enquirer”.
And that’s how it’s been this week in Everytown, USA where Roy Christian identifies with the Commander In Chief, Elmer is tuned into the EIB golden microphone, and Jennifer loves the flush she feels when she thinks of Jerry making all that money playing sado-masochistic sex role play games with Iraqi prisoners. And as President Bush loves to say, “God Bless America”.